Ugliest Kid Ever

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

Abstain remover

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Ireland

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
 could buy him a drink.
 "Why of course," comes the reply.
 The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
 "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
 The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
 have another round to
 Ireland."
 "Of course," replies the second man.
 Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
 "Dublin," comes the reply.
 "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
 have another drink to
 Dublin."
 "Of course," replies the second man.
 Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
 go to?"
 "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
 "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
 and I graduated in '62,
 too!"
 About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
 "What's been going
 on?" he asks the bartender.
 "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
 again."